Sex is not a dirty word or topic; it is the devil and the world that have perverted sex. God created sex and we need to understand God’s perspective on this subject. If God created sex, then the Bible is the single and only source of truth on sex. What does the Bible say?

In Genesis 4:1 Adam knew Eve. This tells us that marriage is between man and woman. Hebrews 13:4 states that marriage is pure and the bed undefiled. This tells us that sex was intended to be enjoyed within the context of marriage and sex outside of marriage – fornication, is a sin. Proverbs 5:15-20 declares that we should each drink from your own cistern; this means that adultery is a sin. Song of Solomon is an incredible picture of the passion and enjoyment that is possible in a marriage. This tells us that God intended for sex within marriage to be beautiful and to involve all our 5 physical senses.

1 Corinthians 7:1-7 also admonishes couples to not deny one another their bodies. This means that sex is an act of service and is both a privilege and a responsibility. That portion of scripture also implies that you should never use sex as a barter chip in marriage. Women sometimes get into this dangerous pattern of thinking of sex as something we give our husbands "as a favor" or "as a reward", and that we're being selfless. That thinking can destroy a man’s self-image and really hurt a marriage.

If marriage is a covenant, then sex is a covenant act. The intimacy that takes place between a husband and wife reinforces the commitment between them, while also providing pleasure, satisfaction, and the opportunity for procreation. Making love should bring a couple closer to one another. Science has proven that the act of making love causes a couple to produce the “bonding” hormone, oxytocin which makes them feel more affectionate towards one another.

Without the regular experience of great sex, marriage is just a loving friendship and it becomes very easy for a man to forget how much he loves his wife. He may wish her well and be civil and congenial in the relationship but will not feel the deep connection that sex creates. This is why sex is the reminder of the covenant.

As Christians, we should guard our marriages and guard our bedrooms with a good, fulfilling sex life.

Strife is caused by what is in you. Proverbs 13:10 states that only by pride comes contention or strife. The way you then deal with offence, which is the product of strife, is to deal with your heart. YES, your heart and not your spouse’s heart. You deal or cleanse the heart by meditating on the Word of God and letting peace rise up and reign in your heart. Meditate on the fact that you have the love of God shed abroad in your heart, meditate on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and soon you will not remember why you were offended. That does not mean you cannot confront the issue but there will not be offence in your heart.

We deal with conflict the way we were raised to deal with conflict – anger, avoidance, unforgiveness. The first thing to do is to admit to the offence. Don't deny it. Don't bottle it up. If you want to be in a functional, healthy relationship, you have to talk. Period. As a couple you have to cultivate an atmosphere of honesty. Your spouse has to know they can share anything - opinions, emotions, everyday stuff - without paying a price. You have to allow your spouse a safe place to talk, whether they are sharing something that makes them happy or something that has made them angry.

Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” To be clear, forgiveness is not saying that what the offender did was right. True forgiveness says that what they have done or are doing is wrong, but God’s love and power in you is far greater than this offense against you. You decide that you will not allow this offense to contaminate you with bitterness.

You may have been affected by what they did, but you will not be an ongoing victim by retaining the offense. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does change the future. Max Lucado said “Relationships don’t thrive because the guilty are punished, but because the wounded are merciful.” Ruth Bell Graham once said “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” I will add — and two good forgetters. Forgiveness is in the soul of the one who offers it, but repentance is of the spirit for the one who requires forgiveness.

Life is given to us as individuals and the first lesson we each must learn in marriage is how to live with each other. It is in this living together that the opportunity for hurt, disappointment, resentment, emotional distance, self-preservation etc. shows up. Relationships always pose challenges. Whenever we place our happiness in the hands of another human being, we virtually guarantee some degree of disappointment. This means that every marriage will face conflict. The issue is not that we disagree or are offended but rather how we overcome offence. It is an important marriage skill to overcome offence and overcome it quickly. How do you do that?

The book of James says where there is strife, there is confusion and every evil work. Recognize the danger in strife. Strife opens up the door to the devil. What causes strife? It may shock you, but strife is not caused by your spouse. Strife comes out of your heart. Strife is caused by what is in you. Proverbs 13:10 states that only by pride comes contention or strife. The way you then deal with offence which is the product of strife, is to deal with your heart. YES, your heart and not your spouse’s heart.

Early in marriage, we made a quality decision to live by God’s Word. These are some of the truths we have learnt:

• We are first brethren then spouses.
• We embraced a liberating truth – there is no excuse for wrong conduct and wrong response. I have a free will and no person or circumstance determines my behaviour. I alone am responsible for how I behave.
• Marriage is a long-distance race and it takes faith, patience, resilience, and stamina.

• Life happens to all of us – stressful careers, children come along, other priorities.
• Life is in seasons, so we don’t make permanent decisions based on what is temporary.
• We each had to learn to be part of a marriage, not just married.
• Marriage takes work – the quality of your marriage is decided by you and the quality of your marriage will define the quality of your lives.

• Marriage will grow but it may not grow in the direction we like. Couples grow together or couples grow apart.

Here are a few great tools to consider adding to your marriage toolbox:

Humor/Laughter – Proverbs 17:22 says “A cheerful or joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed or broken spirit dries up the bones or saps a person’s strength.” Life goes by swiftly, smile while you still have teeth. Don’t take yourself and life too seriously.

Gratitude – 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” The power of gratitude has a lot of influence in our marriages, and if you have two grateful people in a relationship together, you have a holy attitude that permeates the marriage. William Arthur Ward said, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”

Prayer – prayer produces intimacy. James 5:16 … pray for one another and become one vitally, not just legally.

Respect – A woman is commanded to respect or admire her husband (Ephesians 5:33), and the man to love her. Respect creates a virtuous cycle that waters your marriage.

Attention – Focus on your marriage. Neglect is detrimental to a marriage, while attention will bring growth and life.

God at the centre of marriage means that every marriage should have a vibrant core of fellowship with God that arises out of each individual spouse’s fellowship with Him. Your ability to keep God at the centre is directly tied to the greatness of your marriage.

Neither of you should attempt to live without God, for He alone can meet all your needs. After all, 2 Peter 1:3 declares that God has given us all that pertains to life and godliness. If you look to your spouse as the one who fulfills your needs, you will limit both your expectations and what you can receive in life to only what your spouse can provide. But if God is the One meeting your needs, then your possibilities are truly endless.

Every creation finds its true purpose in its Creator. To understand why God established marriage, we must go back to the beginning—back to Genesis.

In Genesis 1:28, after creating male and female in His image (v.27), God spoke a blessing over them and gave them a mandate: “Be fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth, and subdue it.” Later in Genesis 2, God declared that it was not good for man to be alone, so He made a helper suitable for him. The word “helper” does not imply inferiority—after all, woman was also created in God’s image and likeness and shared in the same blessing. In fact, God Himself is described with the same word for “helper” in Psalm 33:20: “Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.”

God gave marriage to man while he was still in a sinless state. Adam was not lonely or incomplete, but God did not design him to fulfill the blessing mandate on his own. The woman was God’s provision for man—the divine partner who would enable him to carry out God’s plan. Together, they would experience the fullness of the blessing: fruitfulness, multiplication, replenishing, and dominion.

Marriage is not about simple addition. In God’s design, 1 + 1 is not 2—it’s multiplication. This is the power of synergy. Replenishing and subduing the earth require the unity and agreement that flow from marriage. We believe God increased Adam’s capacity and authority by creating Eve and ordaining marriage, turning up the power of his life through their union.

The wedding day is just one day but marriage is a lifetime. By now you discovered you married a human and you have also likely discovered that you can never fully know your spouse or yourself before marriage. After the wedding day, the realities of life encroach – raising children/parenting, busy careers, finances, sometimes ill health, in-laws.

Marriage has to be conducted within the environment of life and its pressures and this is what challenges married life. (Matthew 7:25 – NASB: "And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.") The issue is never life or the storms of life, the issue is always the foundation we build on. What is the foundation of your marriage like? What should be the foundation of our marriages? The Word of God. God’s Word is the manual to help you build a marriage that goes the distance and it’s not just hearing it, it is doing it. Be a doer of the Word not a hearer only.

You take your car to the auto shop for a tune up, you go to a financial planner for your financial health, and you should attend marriage seminars, conferences like the ones MarriageCord offers, not because your marriage is weak but because you want your marriage to be stronger. These events are your marriage tune up. The time and energy you invest in your marriage through attending these types of events, will pay off in spades, tomorrow and always.

These events are not meant to be exhaustive but to give you enough to think about and build on. They give you the opportunity to relax, participate, make new friends, get to know old friends better and be ministered to. When you attend these types of events, give yourself permission to be fully present. The result? Watch your marriage shift into higher gear. You will discover the inheritance that is stored in God’s Word. They will lift you up to find, follow and fulfill God’s will for your life; run your race with joy and victory so that at the end of your days there will be no regrets.